First of all, and I know this is the exact reason why Google was invented, but why the fuck is a teeter-totter a see-saw and vice-versa? AND why all of the dash-words? I don’t know. It’s anxiety-pushing.

Have you ever been so involved in a thing, whether it be a show or event or person or subject, that you feel like it engulfs you? I mean engulf; a black hole to your person. You become so lost, your light has disappeared, and all you see is everything.

All you see is everything.

Yes, I know how that sounds, I did write it twice.

It’s true, no question. Seeing everything has never been so emptying. I feel like I see so much, I’m so involved in all around me and losing track of my own gravity. My gravitas? Maybe not everything, but everything else. 

I have no pull one way or the other; I don’t have a see-saw balance because I can’t even place my feet on a plane. I’m not even grasping because I’m losing so much air from my lungs, I’m panicking to no end. It’s horrifying and so lucid. Is that what it is like to become more knowing of the world and lose your value in it?  It’s living without any mirror or reflection. Can you know your place if you never see how much space you take up? If you cannot identify matter, you can’t calculate anything about your dimensions. And even if you ignored physics, you didn’t realize how much you paid attention to your own vectors and movements. You did. Or you would have lost yourself long ago.

I can’t find the see-saw. I can’t even find the place in between present and past where we are supposed to lie evenly on a plane. I have no footing or depth of sight. I have no way to properly estimate where I am or will be in a moment, where I was a moment ago.

Did I always have a see-saw? Did I build one or was it forged for me by my parents or teachers? How did my balance become learned in a way where it wasn’t even conscious?

I’m thinking it’s about knowledge and where you look. If you are standing on a wall, looking far out from all angles but the one that shows your space, you will fall off the wall. You will. With enough time of not seeing yourself, you lose the knowledge of your point on a line on a plane and balance is gone.

So much is happening. I had purposely blocked out parts of life I know are taking my eyes off myself for too long of a time in fear that I could lose myself. Yet, fear has taken me there anyways. Whether I’m falling or floating or not moving at all, I’ve lost my point of interest because my interest has no point on me. Pluto is lucky it has so much less attention on it. Being a planet means holding so much more space and taking into account so many more intersecting planes. Maybe it, if it has an opinion at all, is so happy to have that weight off itself. Without as much matter, not much matters. Being a part of something isn’t as important as defining one’s own space and that’s been calculated. Pluto has no need to be within the confines of a planetary classification. It only had to be excluded to be free of the question of it’s dimensional value to a standard. The teeter-totter for Pluto sways strongly, it moves back and forth without any need for opinion.

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