Why is it that we seek out pain?

I know that I constantly look for those heart-wrenching songs and shows and movies… it’s funny because I seem to draw the line at books. I don’t consciously seek out books that I know will be sad.

What is it about the human nature that draws myself, and so many people, to want to be moved to tears, to want to feel depths of our emotions that we have not even evoked in our own true lives or if they have been tapped, we try to hide them?

I know that I get more wrapped up in television and book relationships than anyone in reality. Maybe it is the cynic in me that has not found anything comparable or maybe it is the hopeful romantic in me that continues to watch these beautifully complex relationships unfold, thinking that it gives more reason that I too have the ability to attain these sorts of feelings with someone tangible.

It’s been so long since Clarke & Lexa’s love story in the 100 concluded, and it hurts me so much, even still. It makes me feel things that I don’t feel in real life, or hardly ever acknowledge in our world.

Is that just good acting and writing? Is emotion simply a response to the most specific triggers and with entertainment, we seek that connection that we cannot understand in our lives, so we become, as I have, entangled in the pain of the characters, envisioning so far past what is seen and interpreting through their thoughts and body motions… it becomes an obsessive game of how to most certainly break your own heart, as I continue to break mine over and over again with Lexa and Clarke.

I’ve become so much the wiser to faux-love and poorly written relationships in books and on television..I just don’t buy them, I cannot get wrapped into them because I don’t see their truth.

But who am I to know truth? I’ve never been so deeply in love or in any kind of relationship like what is shown between characters like Lexa and Clarke or what started out as a friendship and rivalry with Korra and Asami… The confidence of Cosima and willingness to try and love in the most complicated of situations, not to put her life on hold and to even push herself further. I don’t know how any of these ladies do it and their portrayals make my heart stop or beat fast and flip my stomach time and time again. I don’t understand why I become so tethered to these stories or people. Is it to the credit of the creators or the vulnerability I leave for myself?

I don’t understand love or pain, and as I’ve come across more pain in life and less love, I’ve learned to calmly keep it at bay, as an acknowledged feeling but one that is only to be expressed in the private setting so as not to disturb those around me. I so desperately want to talk about these feelings and work at their multi-universes of how they may function and what purposes they may serve… but I have hardly enough friends of value to do this enough, and I spill onto my television or computer or pages in a book, or in my car listening to Sleeping At Last…

I don’t think hate is the opposite of love, I don’t know if it is even related. I think more of pain and love as a mass of twisted lines that leave great residue of each other when affected. This lack of understanding of these emotions does what all lack of understanding accomplishes, brings about fear and worry.

For what we as people cannot comprehend, we immediately turn to fear, and I know I become unconsciously fearful of dating or being able to find someone that would reside in my heart because I am so concerned that I’d get my hopes up and nothing would be there. I’d be jumping out and crashing into concrete.

I don’t have a true biologic son, but my good friend who I treat as a son to me, J, he reminded me something of so much importance. Now, this boy J doesn’t have a true mother, she is in another country and has not seen J  in more than 10 years and he’s had more struggles than I can know, and I know of so many. But his heart, he’s followed words and philosophy and used love for himself and his siblings to get through. He told me that we can continue to wait for bad things to happen, and true enough, they will happen. Life is not a karma system or a just system, it is not one that gives notice or alarm, but it inflicts bad things upon people. J also told me, but you can wait for the good things, because they will come, just as the bad things, but you will be looking up rather than inside a hole without desire to find a way out. My son is so pure of soul and his life has gotten him here, to give me such insight in looking at life and love and knowing that just because we only see a wall in front of us, we could easily turn around and maybe find a door. We are never trapped or forced to bend to another’s will in our fortune and circumstance, but we do have the power to dig a ditch and place ourselves in it, to let the darkness and isolate eat us alive until we are as dead as the grave itself, and that is no way to achieve in life.

I am looking up for love and connection and while the pain is intertwined and gives me conflicting messages about my handling of life’s consequences, I do not allow one day to take away all I have been trying to do in my life and take away any chance of the next day giving me something of good news.

I will seek love, I will seek trust, and I will allow the pain to come with it. I just will not allow my fears to arrive, I will let myself be okay in not understanding these emotions and their functions, but know that I will meet someone who will be able to discuss with me these sources of the soul.