Dream: I dream so much
I see those that make my heart skip a beat
The fantasies that cause my stomach to jump
And my focus to be so narrow
Sometimes I’m her
I look for my love and try to keep her soul
To hold onto her and love her as long as I can
I tell her to trust me with any darkness in her heart
For my love for her is unwavering and infinite
I would do anything to make all of my moments ours
We kiss and we run
There’s never peace in those dreams
Death is always coming,
Shadowing our every move
But as this girl in the dream, I know my love is scared
And our time is pressured
I’d defy death for her, to clutch her close to me,
To bear her burdens would give me no pain
If only I could be promised that our love would be allowed to remain
Those dreams are desperate, but thought out
Never letting go is a constant need for the girl
The tether that my love has, it’s unrecognizable
Such a strength, that it alone can’t be seen
It is already a part of me embedded in my heart and soul, unable to differentiate
Then sometimes, it’s me.
Dream: I’m shy. Always so shy.
In the most realistic of dreams, I’m terrified.
Looking at, most recently, Tayor and Carey with the most wishful eyes
I am kissed and kiss Taylor, who looks at me with her eyebrow up
Curious or testing, her emotion is of wonder
And I’m blushing, scared even, because it was wonderful for me
What is wonderful is dangerous, you have much to lose with the investment of being enamoured
Taylor teases me later on, sticking her lips out then retracting once I get close
She says boys don’t even get that close to her tease, and she giggles as she moves away
I catch her, just once more, and she is shocked that I won
But what game am I playing at?
Is it the physical need or am I so daft that I could think it possible to fall for someone I hardly know or worse, haven’t even met, and have them fall back for me too?
Taylor recognizes my lack of experience and confidence
Another girl calls me out in a different scenario
As I continue to try and situate myself next to Carey, the girl tells me that my gaze hasn’t averted and my attention is all to clear
The girl later suggests that I just kiss Carey because my pining has been so telling in my eyes
(Is the girl me?)
I return eyes horrified, because she says so in front of Carey
But to my absolute surprise, Carey shrugs
She says in few words that I could kiss her
I remember her incredibly luscious lips getting thinner as my lips met hers
I remember thinking how different the kiss was from Taylor’s
And then that was that.
Taylor returned to America with me and suggested we go out so I can practice dating and talking up people
We see people from my hometown and I chat with them, but my mind makes it clear that none of them are as captivating as Taylor
Even during card games and small talk, I turn to her
But what do my dreams mean?
Am I obsessed with those I can never be with?
Am I motivating myself to allow vulnerabilities?
Or is it that I’m pathetic…
Sadly, so alone that I can’t believe that I’d be able to find a relationship with another so much that I just live in fantasy?
I wake up sore in my chest.
My heart yearns for the kind of person Taylor and Carey represent to me.
I’ve been walking this path so alone.
But I’ve chosen such a narrow path, what is to be expected?
My soul has decided that I am longingly lonely
But where to search?
Have my eyes been shut or my glasses too thick
Women of my like are hard to find
With 1 club
Where are my opportunities for looking for this love?
Nevermind letting myself even hope to find it?
I feel so saddened
I feel stuck in between plates of glass
Reflecting my own light to myself and keeping it close
God forbid anyone else sense it
A chosen trap
A grave of a love life never had
There’s always the men.
But so much disappointment and lack of fulfillment in my history
No kiss has ever truly felt right.
Who exists that I can give these feelings to
Or even rent
What bargain must I work at?
Or is it some kind of exchange with a person
And it be someone who receives them and desires to return her own to me
Are there women out there like Clarke and Lexa?
Incredible, complex leaders
Who do not deny their fears but face them with courage from each other
Whose greatest fears are being without the other
Who build each other up through their own strengths and vulnerabilities
I want it so much.
My desperation leaks into my dreams.
I reach for summer to be away from all else
Distractions from finding a love
A woman to allow a place in my heart
To be a partner that gives me strength
And a lover who sees me at my most vulnerable.
Is there such a being?
I lose air holding my breath
I want to push these feelings away, drown them in the streams of my young tears
Say that my purpose is not involving my own selfish desire to be loved
That I must achieve and serve those whom are needing my abilities
My love is not of importance
Yet it cries out for life
We all welcome death until we are at it’s brink
Mercy is a cry heard at those last moments
The more I suppress, the more it breaks my ribcage,
Like streaks of light coming from my heart,
Opening every crack of my soul to remind me of what I’m yearning for most
I want her
I want a her so much that a can’t believe she’s out there
Possibility gives me too much hope
Hope opens further the cracks of my soul
They refract light into prisms that my subconscious doesn’t ignore
Should I believe?
Should my conscious be allowed to dream?
Is dreaming of a lover, partner, inspiration,
Is it only a luxury of my sleeping mind?
My wants are confused
They turn to my heart
Streaming up and down my chakras
Their energy, malleable
I cannot ignore my subconcious will
My yearning for love
It must be a broken rule
Otherwise, I will live with a tornado
Incessantly throwing my being, shattered, all around my chest
To bend the air to my will
I have to decide that the power is owned
Energy submits to me
Letting it do nothing but eat me up inside, I could do that do
Or explode into my conscious
And maybe, just once
I will allow myself to awaken