I come to this idea time and time again.
Is it weak to love? Is it weakness to lead by emotion?
I’ve been disappointed a lot lately in many things, people, and myself. I do a lot of thinking with my heart and it messes with me. I have a coach who is phenomenal with helping me to want to stand up for myself. It’s funny, because with the things I talk to her with, I realize that I would never let any of these things happen to anyone I care about because I would intervene or speak out about it, try to empower them into making the situation more just and explain that if the counter were to occur, I would hope that they would approach it with mercy.
It shouldn’t be so much about me. I do not want to waste my thoughts on my heart and what I feel about myself. I want to be able to do good and to be able to give all I have for those who truly deserve thoughts to be spent on them. Am I being ridiculous in saying that I don’t deserve thoughts? No, that’s not what I’m trying to depict or illustrate. I’m saying if I could be affected less emotionally and see things for what they are in the most pragmatic and logical sense, I think that I could be of better use to the world. And I WANT to be of use to the world. I want to be of value. I want to provide. I want to give to the people who give their hearts up so they can serve our country, for those who are unjustly treated by those who are supposed to stand up for our American dreams and rights, treat those who are overlooked by society with the attention that humans need and deserve. I want to be that person. I want to be the most educated through experience so I can truly be of use. My will is to get those experiences in many places and my goals are going to be how much I can go and get those experiences. This is not to say that my time in the same state for my whole life has been for naught, it absolutely has not.
With college life, I have the amazing experience to live vicariously through all of my residents, seeing them flourish and prosper, helping them when they go through their own devastations, and learn more and more about the human condition. Through this, it makes me want so badly to be a better person. To be a better human being. One that can care for all means sacrificing my own self care in a particular sense. I need to be able to develop a thick skin because love is weakness here. I cannot allow myself to be hurt by how others treat me because that is not my purpose, to be loved by all. My purpose is to fulfill my dreams in the ways I have described. I want my love for myself to come more from my feelings of achievement rather than how people feel about me.
I do struggle though, once I get too far away from others, I feel the longing to attach myself. It’s a struggle because how can I let myself do good yet not be affected in return? If life is balance, then this seems entirely contradictory does it not? And of course I want to have the love of someone who really cares deep down. But I don’t know if my dreams can afford this life too. But should I then count myself out so fast? It’s so many questions that to think through them in this moment is vastly overwhelming yet so present. To see relationships around you and to listen to such intensely heart-wrenching music and watch moving pieces of film just makes it that much more apparent how much I want that kind of connection. Seeing Lexa and Clarke on the 100 was my hope you know? A bisexual and a lesbian first of all, and I know I’ve spoken about this before, but their character traits and hopes and dreams is what amazes me and draws me so much to want that kind of relationship. They wanted so desperately to be together and their callings because of their leadership roles forced them apart. Even before they got to be together for however short of a time, Clarke wanted to help everyone even though she had no emotional attachment to any of them. It was once she started feeling that she really cared about others like Monty and Jasper and Finn and Octavia, that things went really south. She got hurt in more ways than once, especially once she let herself get to Finn. That backfired so much on her and she was so honest about being so glad that it was Finn that she shared her first time with on earth. That moment to me was so huge. Clarke saying openly how much it mattered to her, it wasn’t just sex it was making love and it was special. That immediately now, shows me how dangerous it is to open yourself up like that to people and friends. To openly care so much, which is why after she sacrificed her humanity, killing all of those in Mount Weather, she had to leave. She couldn’t face herself in the same way but still had to make that decision for her people but she finally made the decision to cut off all connections she held with others. But the final straw in making that decision really was Lexa’s betrayal because it was a betrayal of the heart. Again, Clarke had let Lexa in. She had been open with her about how she believes her emotions make her a better leader and how much she has read into Lexa and her emotions. The give and take there broke Lexa into allowing herself not just to make the leap to Clarke, because she had been fighting falling for her all those moments, but to ask Clarke what she wanted, and determine a lot of her decisions on that moving forward. If Clarke had said that she wanted Lexa then, to be with her, I know Lexa would have had to make a different decision at Mount Weather. And that would have weakened Lexa’s ability to lead her people. So they were forced again, to hurt each other, in a way that was heartbreaking and awful to witness, so they could serve their purposes and help their people. This is how I feel too. I hate that I know I will be sacrificing myself for people but know that because it is my calling, I will have to do it. I do believe though, that there WAS a way in which Lexa and Clarke could have been together, leading a coalition in such a way that would allow them to love each other to and grow even stronger as people and leaders. They truly made each other think so much about what it meant to be a leader, what sacrifice is and who to trust. That is the definition of a relationship that is beneficial to both and makes two individuals THAT MUCH better together. So there is hope for me, that someone will be drawn to me for my care for others, but I have to be careful to not allow love to be weakness either, and let love make my decisions.
SO this grew from one thing to another but, after all, it was the 100 who introduced the idea of “loves is weakness” to me. I’ve honestly learned so much from that show because I have had to digest and process these ideas that they have brought up. And these types of analyses do torment me, but I believe that they also are what makes my ideals stronger. I know how tough I will have to become and I know what my sacrifices will entail in the future in the general sense. I also know that through the course of this writing, I will still allow myself to be open to a partner who sees me for what I can achieve and want to do. Someone that I can help make stronger and someone that will do the same for me. A leader that will, with their love for me and my love in return, join me in a coalition of sorts. I do not want anything but a motivation for living and reason to want to be better, for their sake and mine. It’s a confusing conundrum I have created for myself with all of these thoughts and I’m sure I will read this again sometime in the future and be like, “Sal, what the fuck were you thinking?”
But yeah, I just need to separate feeling for friends and what others think of me from what a partner could do for me and what I could do for them. I need to be a thick-skinned leader that would be okay with being hated if it meant that goodness and mercy was my way. If the people benefit, I benefit, not through a pat on the back or recognition in any sort. I want to be okay with obstacles crashing down on me and being oppressed, so long as I know that I am better than these things and will not let them change me in any way. I want to become unmoving in this way. To accomplish what I am setting out to accomplish, it is indeed asking a great deal of myself. It is complicated and confusing and I constantly am trying to put my words in a pattern that makes sense. They seem to zigzag, take steps all in different directions at the same time, pull me back to my heart and I must pull again, away in the opposite direction, repulsed by my emotional reactions. I want these things.