I don’t know if I particularly have a type of person that I’m attracted to but I’m like a very strong, specific magnet, either I feel this insanely intense pull without real reason to or I feel nothing at all, not necessarily repulsed but I do feel like I’m repelled by the world when I so want to be very drawn close to it.
It’s a complicated thing to feel so lonely yet not understand where to fit in, where being needed can also mean being wanted and being loved.
I am afraid though that I don’t truly know what love is. I love people and I love in broad perspectives but do I really love at the individual level? I dunno.
I picture these people that I admire and am drawn to so very much yet I always choose people that are unreal to me, those that are completely out of my reach. I love people that can move me, make me realize something so big was so obvious and a life-lesson.
I am also someone who “falls in love” or I’d like to say rather, is “entranced” rather fast.
I remember the first moment I felt bewitched by someone, and it was my ballet teacher when I must have been 6 years old. I couldn’t tell you what she looked like but I remember the moment, sitting in the chair, waiting for class next to my mom, and looking at my teacher behind the desk. I told my mom, “Mom, Miss. ____ is the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen.” My mom told me to tell her that, and so I remember getting so red in the face, hunching over a bit, then looking over to her after my mother called her over. I held my little chest high, tilted my blonde head up and stared near her eyes with the deepest sincerity my young blue eyes could accomplish. “Miss______, you’re the prettiest lady I’ve ever seen.” I remember she smiled and I can’t remember what else because I’m sure I looked down at the oak-colored wood floors out of embarrassment. I knew then that I found women to be so incredible and beautiful in their own ways but I never once considered it to be a love. I was too young to understand what being “gay” meant but I knew attraction at that age. My stomach and heart told me so. I still feel the same flip of the stomach, the butterflies or what you will, and the pounding of my heart when I feel particularly attracted to someone I know or entranced by a moving moment between others. I remember feeling that way when one of my friends first gave her boyfriend a kiss on the cheek in middle school. I was so excited to see such an honest display and my friend so happily bewitched by this boy that I pranced around with my other friend around her, hand in hand, skipping through the halls.
I have never been able to have my own care in this particular attraction reciprocated, and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never opened myself up to just allowing attraction to take me where it goes. Stigmas and categories of people… I don’t want to be called anything. I want to be me. If anything, I’d choose gay over all else because anything in a smaller category to me is just refining my feelings into a box. And my feelings really aren’t the biggest concern but my thoughts about my feelings and that just complicates my whole set of views and interests. Just being me is quite enough when it comes to attraction and I hope someday that I can find an attraction with a magnetic pull from the other towards me as well. Someone with an intensity to be moved as I dare to have. I am willing to feel greatly with the hopes of a proper investment in the world. If I allow the world and its people to move me, I have the hopes that I too can move the world and truly be a force worthy of my own haphazard creation.
Everyone is created per chance but choices and thoughts place our existences with purpose. Whether we choose a purpose or are given one, it is our will to follow the path we believe is the most just and for the good of the world or not. I know my purpose is for the world, whether it benefits my heart individually with another person or not, but I fall asleep hoping that someday there will be someone next to me that cherishes the existence we share together and that I can move their world just as they can move mine.