I had decided this semester to remove myself emotionally from my own life in a lot of ways. As an exceedingly emotional person, I had to invest myself in something that was not directly affected by myself or my actions. I chose to do this with one of my favorite shows, the 100.

I have never seen a live show that portrayed a leader with similar values that I feel I have want so much for a people that seem so ruined by sin, making such awful and violent choices that an outsider can see as blatantly harmful to our own souls as humans and damaging to our world. Clarke tries SO HARD to defend her people yet do what is merciful rather than what is “just” per say, straying from the ideology of Hammurabi of an eye for an eye and the English Kings that ruled ruthlessly and were later hated in history but looked to for their power.

But Lexa, a commander who listens and watches, seeing how things play out and honestly wanting people to be able to live in peace, even if it means being presently hated, being disobeyed and having people attempt to murder her, is killed. This completely wrecked my hope that a visionary who truly cares about the value of life and is not a straight male could ever make it work.

While PIKE on the other hand, is perfectly fine, the Donald Trump of the characters was elected because he was the loudest and commanded power by violence and objections that were all or nothing. This scares me so very much as an American because people are magnetically drawn to those who have the strongest pull, not who make the most sense a lot of the time. And that kills me.

Lexa, she was a woman who respected someone she loved so much and loved that Clarke was always Clarke, even if it meant leaving her. This scene between Alycia and Eliza ruined me the most because their goodbye was so tearful and desperate. It wasn’t about staying together, it was about trying to prevent them leaving each other for as long as they possibly could. It was heartbreaking to watch them finally be together because they knew it was the last time in a long time, if ever, that they’d get to share time together. Their kisses in themselves were stained with their tears and pain, because they were able to express themselves but had to be torn apart. I gravitated to Clarke and Lexa so much because they were 2 completely strong, independent leaders that became such better people by being with each other. They had such a deep respect that was grown from their shared experiences and stories with each other and it developed into an incredible love…and to see that happen in a way that wasn’t so crass or purely sexual.. it meant a lot to me. As someone who could only DREAM of such a connection with someone who would be willing to help make me better as I would want them to better themselves by being with me, or our relationship would not hold value in my heart, the collapse of Lexa stabbed me right through my heart and pained my head. Who can come back from this? What television show can capture such a leader with the diversity of Lexa in so so many ways… she was a vision of someone I wanted to meet someday, a leader I would look up to and serve with not only respect, but a passion for the lives of people in this world.

And today, on a day when North Korea wants to plan their use of nukes, Donald Trump is looking like he will be our likely President, and people degrade the reputation of others for simply going through loss, with a prominent example being my beloved Ronda Rousey. Her person being immediately attacked for losing to Holly Holm after being so completely dominant with a 12-0 record and her suicide thoughts being seen as weakness. The fact that she went to suicidal thoughts shows how much we as society have been taught the all-or-nothing opinions are the POWERFUL ones, that we should root for powers to stay dominant until they lose and condemn them because they are no longer useful to us and that heart or ideals and truths do not matter at all.

When Lexa died, I felt the same way that I felt in a way that my heart belonged to something so outside myself and I cannot quite explain it, but it hurt my view of the world. In a way where i give so much of my heart to things that seem unconventional to others because they are not as “real” or relative to me, I was broken and am broken right now, trying to make sense of my own feelings. I don’t find relationships to invest so much of my heart in, don’t get me wrong that I care about my friends, but it is much more in a protective way for their own benefit. I have unfortunately become accustomed to distancing myself from feeling like I should benefit from friendships in the same way my feelings benefit from experiencing vicariously the emotions of those unreal to me, in books and on television and in movies. I love my friends in a way that I would die for them but I feel that I must always be prepared to be alone without support as well in quite an opposite way. I do not want to be cared for in a way that ellicits emotions that I feel for people that I see are in love and so enveloped in each other. I am afraid of that because I don’t want the pain I feel for others to become pain I feel for myself. I have already disappointed myself in life so many times and the contemplation of suicide multiple times, wanting to leave the world because I felt it was not worth fighting for, and feeling guilty that my existence had not improved the world in any way, all of these keep me from wanting to directly connect myself to the world rather than my broad oversight that i see now.

My hope was Lexa and Clarke, two strong leaders who could not only try and heal the murderous world and cultures that they were apart of, but be able to completely be themselves and allow a connection between each other to do more than grow, but be as real as they felt it. People may think I’m truly way too emotional and ridiculous. Maybe they are completely right. Maybe I’m just not proper for the world we live in. But my values are seen more in fiction and books than I can see in my own life because I am afraid of becoming a piece of the equations and being held accountable for the emotions in a way that I coudl truly be hurt. I don’t trust myself enough and I don’t trust the world not to hurt me, but I so desperately want to be something of a help to create more peace in our world, even if it is seemingly fruitless as an attempt because chaos is much larger and varied than peace ever could be. Why should I stop trying though? But with Lexa’s death, my hope for this effort seems lessened more than ever before.

A friend of mine just happened to tell me that he saw me really down weeks ago and is happy that I performed well in a tournament recently for video games. He told me, in reference to Ronda Rousey, “You are just your hero. She’ll be back better than ever.”

Maybe I need to have hope for me to be hopeful that I can give back to the world too. And maybe I can be hopeful that even though my example of true value and love in a person so strong of will and heart has perished. Maybe I can find a way to embody what I value so much in her in myself somehow. Maybe I have some of those qualities too and just need to give myself the chance to let them benefit others even if it makes me an unlikely force that is often hated and seen as too weak rather than ruthless. Maybe I don’t. But Lexa gave me hope and faith and I need to come back and find it again. Ronda gave me hope that someone could be flawed and still see themselves as undefeated and that thinking of suicide doesn’t make you weaker, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to give to the world just because you aren’t the same vision you thought you’d be.

I’m in pain in more ways than one this week, month, semester. But I want to be able to be someone who sees that the world can be something special because I can someday see that I can be someone special as apart of this place. I know that I am not the only person to want piece and stay away from killings and ruthlessness. I want mercy. I want a world of mercy. I will start with treating myself with mercy.