For these past few weeks, ever since this semester has started, I have been asking myself, well more like tormenting myself, with the question of “What is my purpose?” I watched the recent Ronda Rousey interview on Ellen where Ronda completely broke down about wanting to kill herself when she felt like her life had no meaning because she didn’t know who she was if she wasn’t the champion. Then, when she had time to think about the events that occurred in her life, she was able to decide that her purpose was not what she thought, but perhaps her purpose was to experience failure in front of the world so they could know that even someone losing would not defeat them. Ronda said she chooses to remain undefeated and that was something I really felt with.

With the 100 episode recently, it talks about Raven’s huge issue with her legs and the pain, and being unable to live as she has. She feels worthless and furious. This hit me extremely personally because of what happened to me a few years back with my own legs and doctors telling me I would never run again, PTs not being able to get rid of any of my leg pain, and crying every single day as I walked to class because it was simply that unbearable. The pressure was so great. And to be completely honest, I hated myself or whoever was in the shell of the person I was. I didn’t know who I was. I was not exercising because of the pain, I didn’t have close friends to share my pain with or my worries, I sat in my room and cried. I read in bed and asked why the pain was so awful. I don’t think I ever asked why it was me, I just asked why the pain was making me feel like I wasn’t myself and when it would end. I didn’t like anything about myself and felt like whoever this person was wasn’t worth very much.

I didn’t think I was still angry about my legs. I had been angry for so long and for some reason, I’m still angry. Maybe it’s not about my legs anymore but I’ve held onto anger about all of these things I have experienced through my life. But it’s so disjointed… my mind and my heart. I dunno.

I am angry. But I’m trying to use it and acknowledge its power for the proper reasons. I am attempting to keep my emotions in their place and to be of the mindset that I am trying to obtain even though the more I think about my purpose and who I am versus who I want to be, the more I change those thoughts.

I am stuck between thinking that feeling is power and feeling is weakness, aka the Clarke and Lexa conversation on the 100. I feel that I can make most of my thoughts and actions when I am rational and my emotions are held down. I also feel safest when I am not full of emotion. I feel like there is no one that I need to put my trust in besides myself and there is no one that I need to feel guilty for. There is nothign but my will and mindset in keeping focus on my goals and dreams. Emotions don’t and won’t get in my way.

But then I feel like my whole self isn’t there. How can I be someone with such decisions that do not come from passion or deep within my heart? Is it more of me to allow such depth to be open or more myself to deny those distractions as they cloud my true ideals and judgements?

So many thoughts and I still have yet to decide which is going to be my path towards my dreams. Will I allow my emotions in or will I turn to focus on my ideals and suppress those passions that get me hurt and keep me down. It is a most difficult journey and I fear my life will be stuck between the paths for now.

My anger is too powerful and has too much control to allow me any solace from it. It burns so far within my soul that I feel as if it’s flames shoot out of me without my acknowledgment, as if the fury flares from my eyes and without warning. It is not of my conscious at all.

My mind is constantly going at me though, the analyses do not ever end. My dreams are constantly circling my subconscious’ true desires and the conflict between what is my innermost truth. These two forces fight a seemingly endless battle as of late and cause me to struggle with deciphering what is most me. It can be argued of course, that they are both me, two different aspects. But their fighting and clashing tells me what I know is the toughest perspective of it all, that only one of them can be right because they are too different. They cannot live alongside each other while also allowing my full purpose to come to fruition. I know this is a truth and this is the dilemma of my mind. Who is to trust, the subconscious or conscious? The wil or the heart?

At present, in clearing my chakras through meditation with a friend of mine, I noticed that the chakra located at the center of my heart caused me to choke on my breath in a way that wasn’t the same as attempting to open up my other chakras. My throat chakra of communication was the most willing. I was not surprised by the block. My heart isn’t cemented anywhere and has been most fickle in choosing whether or not my destiny is one of my own decision or what life wants of me.

I am going to continue to look introspectively on the matters of my own being by analyzing unbiased things outside of myself. I am able to utilize my hero’s actions, Ronda Rousey, and her strong will of determination as well as the stretch of choices made by the characters of the 100. I found this week, I was upset with Lexa for seemingly making a choice that was centered around her heart, but in retrospect, I feel it was a much riskier choice due to the large perspective she chose to see concerning it. Short term, the decision was absolutely wrong yet in considering its monumentally long-term aspects, it was so correct. It was partially based on the heart as well. Maybe that was why I was so turned off by it? Regardless, my own thoughts on decisions seem to help clear up why I make discriminations between what is right or wrong or could be perceived in such a way versus how I am acting within my own life.

This has been quite the chain of thoughts and I am hoping that I can return to this with much more clarity than I have begun it hours ago. But is that not the essence of life, to attempt to work through the mist of choices with the hopes that there will be clear skies at points of the journey? Does clarity matter? Is it the mist that keeps us going because if we truly found clarity, would we not want to stop living all together? These thoughts circle me and with my own self, I will fight with them to determine my chosen fate. I know that no one besides my own person will be the decider of my destiny. I have no handler.