As hard as it has been, I’ve decided to leave a large portion of myself behind. I want to lose my emotions. Because I care too much about what others think of me and how I am judged by those that I deem important, I am choosing to care about nothing other than my primary focuses: keeping my residents safe and successful and achieving high grades in pharmacy school.
This might seem harsh and all-or-nothing, but I cannot have no cares for the bad or intense judgments yet have the good feelings of caring about what those I love think of me in the most positive ways. My cares can only be absolute. It sounds insane, but my feelings have only been holding me back. I am done crying everyday. I am done feeling pain. I will receive and process information without the bias of my own emotions. I just want to make just decisions and in order to treat myself better to, I must not accept emotions either. It is too painful a life to live looking for love in the world. Yet somehow, I still want to give the world the opportunity to live in love. I just cannot give myself that same luxury because I cannot achieve allowing myself the emotions that I carried today and those days prior. My back is not strong enough to carry the burdonsome feelings that I reflect from within myself. I am too soft, too sensitive, and too weak.